Miss You

March 1st was the one-year anniversary of the day I lost my grandpa Joe.
I wanted to write about it a few days ago, but it has been hard to talk about/write about, so I've given it some time.
I was always really close to my Grampa Joe, even though we lived about 12 hours apart for the majority of my life. Even though we didn't have tons of experiences together, I do remember almost all of the visits and experiences we shared.
Among the things I remember:

• Specifically requesting him to speak at my baptism on my 8th birthday, but he wasn't able to make it (remember how he lived 12 hours away?), so I asked for my other sweet grandpa and since he lived a lot closer, he came. I thought about my Grampa Joe the whole day, though, and wished that he could have come. 

• Whenever I would visit his house as a small child, he would have my favorite book ready for me, and would usually sit right down and read it with me not long after we walked through the door. 

• We always had a special connection, and he would openly refer to me as his "favorite granddaughter." He even wrote on my facebook wall a couple of years ago, starting with "Hey there favorite granddaughter" and got into "trouble" with a couple of his daughters-in-law. It didn't really phase him, though, since that was the truth and he didn't feel like he needed to hide it. I truly was his favorite. As I grew older, I believed more and more that he and I not only knew each other before this life, but that we were close friends.

•  When I was preparing to leave for my mission, he made the long trip down to Logan to hear me speak in church and see me off. He mentioned several times how proud he was of me and how much he loved me. Not long after my return, he was there again, wanting to hear all about my mission and express again how proud he was of me. We went to the temple together, and my parents mentioned that I had been dating some one (Jeff). He asked a lot of questions about him, but most of them were related to how I was being treated and if he knew how special of a person I was. I later accompanied him to the distribution center to get himself the necessary clothing to become an ordinance worker in the twin falls temple. I remember thinking how cool it was that he was going to be an ordinance worker, and wanting to do the same thing someday (Jeff and I were ordinance workers in the Provo temple from last May until 2 weeks ago, when pregnancy made it too difficult).  

Grampa is making a super scary face in this one!

This one always cracks me up because Max decided to hop up on the couch right when the picture was being taken, and it startled Gramma Sue quite a bit!

• The first time that Jeff met Grampa Joe was on a trip we took to Boise in February of 2008. Even though he may have been wary of this guy with his favorite granddaughter, he treated Jeff with kindness and genuine interest.

• Grampa had such a great time at our wedding. He was all smiles and hugs, and was beaming with pride. It was sometime before the wedding that he had been diagnosed with cancer, but aside from some visible weight loss, he was his normal, happy self, celebrating the day with those he loved most.

•  One Christmas we got to go out to Maddox in Brigham City with Gramma and Grampa. If you haven't been there before, it's well worth your time and money! It was the first time that I noticed how skinny Grampa looked, and I started to be really worried about him. Here are some pictures:

• During labor day weekend of 2010, we went up to Rupert to spend the long weekend with Grampa Joe, since we were concerned that he might not have much longer to live. He had listened to me talk about my new geology major, and had planned a fun geology excursion for us on Labor Day. He and Gramma Sue had spent some time planning a fun-filled weekend for us, including an outing to an eat-in Pizza Hut (I absolutely LOVE eat-in Pizza Huts!), fun card games, a movie, and of course-the geology excursion! Near Rupert is an area called "Thousand Springs", which contains numerous (a thousand, maybe?) natural springs that come out of the side of the hills over a several mile stretch of road. That sounded like a really fun place to go, so Gramma Sue looked up directions on google maps, Grampa let me drive his car (since I get really carsick), and away we went. After a while, it seemed like we were heading into the middle of nowhere, but we faithfully followed the directions until the map decided that we were "there." Turned out that "there" was a small, trailer "resort" of sorts that had picnic tables, a small pool, and a waterfront area that had a ferry docked next to it (presumably to take people on tours of the thousand springs area). We sat down at one of the picnic tables to eat the picnic lunch that Gramma Sue had packed for us, all the time wondering if we were in the right spot. It seemed odd that this was Thousand Springs. As we were wondering aloud, the scent of a nearby skunk wafted over, making it difficult to eat anything. Fortunately, we just laughed about the odd situation. Gramma and Grampa expressed some disappointment that the outing didn't go as planned, but Jeff and I were just happy to be spending time with them. After we ate, we wandered around a bit, trying to find some of the springs. We ended up being able to see about 2 springs...through our binoculars. This added to the disappointment for them, but for us it was just funny. After a few minutes, we just decided to get back on the road and head home. Not long after we connected with the main road, we were caught behind several huge combines, which of course were traveling well under the speed limit. As I began passing them, one at a time due to occasional oncoming traffic, some one noticed the huge natural springs coming out of the hill to our right. I pulled over and everyone scrambled to get their cameras out and take pictures before the combines overtook us again and we were back to square one. I laughed and laughed, thinking what an unusual and memorable experience it all was. We ended up joking about our misadventure the rest of the weekend, and laughing about it all turned out. On the way home, Grampa Joe would ask me questions about the rocks and formations that we were driving past, and I would tell him what little I could. He seemed to love that I knew something about the world around us. He even directed us to this beautiful area just off of the freeway (I'll show you pictures, don't worry). It surprised me that it was virtually invisible to everyone on the freeway, but once you got out to look at it, it was huge! So we went down, took some pictures, and I theorized about how and why it looked the way it did. We went home after that, and played some more games. When Jeff and I left Rupert I made sure to get another photo of all of us.

Grampa Joe and Gramma Sue trying to see the springs across the water.

Grampa Joe wading through the weeds, trying to find more springs.

Gramma Sue next to the ferry.

The real springs!

Isn't this breathtaking? Amazing that you can't see it from the freeway!

Me, Grampa Joe, Gramma Sue standing on the bridge overlooking the beautiful ravine.

My grampa has his sunglasses on his hat in almost every picture!

•  The last memory I have of my Grampa Joe is when we went to see him just before he died. He looked worse than I had ever seen him look, but was the same person I'd always known him to be. He was telling us stories, making us laugh (mostly through our tears), and making sure we knew how much he loved us. I brought the camera, but didn't feel right about taking pictures of Grampa Joe looking like he did. It was heartbreaking to see him like that, to know that he would soon be gone, but to feel like we were all just in limbo. I was caught between experiencing what was happening and mourning my grandfather. I was surrounded by family, most that I hadn't seen since my wedding, and whose company I enjoy immensely. We laughed together and enjoyed each other's company, despite the pain facing us head on. It felt so strange to know that I was saying my goodbyes to my grampa, that I was saying my last words to him in this life. Grampa ended up passing away two days after we said goodbye. His funeral was the following weekend. I'd rather not relate the details, but it was really hard. After the service, a member of the ward (who sealed Jeff and I in the Logan temple) approached me and said "He always said you were his favorite granddaughter, but I suppose he said that to all of his granddaughters." Nope. I really was his favorite. Even though it's been a year, it still feels fresh. I still miss him a lot. I wish that he could've been here to see us have our baby, but I feel pretty confident that he's met our Henry already.